I have no idea what direction this blog will take but I’m hoping it makes me feel better, as writing usually does. I actually have nothing to feel “down” about – I had a great weekend, followed by a pretty productive week at work and some fun plans and I leave for a beach vacation in six days. But for reasons I won’t spell out, I’m feeling uncertain and questioning something that is consuming a lot of my overactive brain these days . On Monday and Tuesday, I was questioning nothing and at peace with my life and on Thursday, I lost my mind. It’s very frustrating and emotionally exhausting to be me this week.
In the midst of all of this questioning, and in my certainty that it’s just a temporary glitch, I got to wondering: If my life was a book, would anyone want to read me?
Like a good book, my life does not travel a flat road. There are lots of ups and downs and I usually don’t see what is coming until it hits me in the face. I’m also surprised with what comes next, sometimes pleasantly, sometimes not so much. My life is never predictable and even when I think I know what will happen, it often doesn’t, at least not the way I envisioned it. There’s clearly been character development, at least so far, as I face challenges, sometimes defeating the enemy and sometimes getting my ass kicked. I’m constantly making mistakes and usually learning lessons from them. My goals and desires have changed as I continue to figure out what I want, need and deserve. I certainly don’t lack depth but I manage to humor myself and others in my journey, sometimes even on purpose.
When I think of my life as a book, I can actually breathe easier and try not to be so impatient. It’s much more exciting to look forward to each day as if I’m turning a page in the book of my life. If a higher power is writing my book, I will try to have faith that he/she knows what he’s doing and has my best interests at heart. If it’s all a matter of free-will, I guess I will just have to trust my instincts and hopefully not do anything totally stupid. But, for now, I’m just going to try not to question everything. I’ve learned from the previous chapters in the “book of Meri” that the answers will come to me when they come to me and not a minute sooner.